We've all heard it: "It'll happen when you'll least expect it.", "You'll find it when you stop looking." Well, I must say that thursday was about the most intense emotional rollercoaster ride I think I've ever taken. Starting well, progressing into an emotional 1-2 punch, and then giving me an additional swift kick to the nuts as if I weren't hurting enough, I was then elevated to a level which left me wondering after I woke up today whether it was all just a dream. This ends beautifully, bear with me (despite the omission of certain details, or this post would be seventy five pages long):
So I go to work, and the weather is beautiful. Andy is all smiles, wracked with a massive case of spring fever. Marcus asks me if I got laid or something. I replied of course not.
At Joe Muggs after work, in talking with one of Coffee Girl's friends, it was revealed that she is unhappy with her current boyfriend and is wanting to look for someone better. Guess I wasn't any better than the rotten boyfriend.
Flashforward to class... I finish my book cover project well in advance of everybody else. My instructor tries to get me to talk to Singleness Lamenting Girl, but it doesn't work. She's a student aid and is supervising the Mac lab across the hall, so she comes over infrequently to look at our work and BS with the instructor. I've taken my image down and am just chitchatting, but she immediately beelines over to Nick and starts fawning and gushing all over him and his project. It looks good, no doubt, but she's talking about how he needs to go and print it on watercolor paper, it's so good. Mine is better, dammit! But of course I just sit there quietly and watch, breaking my heart over another girl. Remember, Nick is also one of the three of us, Amy and I as well, who went and shot photos that fateful afternoon in Yellow Springs, and who paired off with Amy, downgrading my status to third wheel that day. I have a huge crush on Amy, and now they're just the fastest of friends. Now he's stolen Singleness Lamenting Girl.
That boy is the bane of my existance, but he's so damned likeable, I just can't dislike him. :-)
Anyway, having been excused early from class, I drove back to Troy to drink my sorrows away at D's, where I knew I was socially neutral. Driving back up I-75 so hurt by S.L. Girl's obvious attraction to Nick, I swore off any further efforts whatsoever. I declared a moratorium on paying attention to women. I gave up utterly.
D's is packed (as it's karaoke night), and there is only one small two-person table empty in the back against the wall, the perfect place to sink into my little world. I'm not going to sing a goddamned song tonight, I'm in far too bad a mood. People are dancing and singing and after a pitcher, I have to get up and pee. I am stopped by a lady whom I recognize as the lady I danced with last time, when I had my rockstar moment. She introduces me to her friend and requests that I sing Copacabana. I tell her I don't know it. Of course, everybody sings "Copa... copacabana!", but I'm pretty sure there's more to the song than those seven notes, and I say again that I don't know it. I'd be happy to sing for them anything else that I know. She says, looking at me disappointedly, that she thought I was a great singer. I tell her I'm just a guy who makes burritos. They didn't believe me last time. They did this time, and looked almost heart broken themselves.
The fall from grace. Even after the 1-2 punch of Coffee Girl and S.L. Girl, I guess the gods deemed I didn't feel quite horrible enough already.
I sit at my table with my spirits flying high enough to laugh and sing along to songs, but my heart broken to pieces and now so horribly embarrassed I wanted to die. I've been there for three and a half hours, and I decide it's time to go. Coming back from the bathroom, a blonde lady with her friend start talking to me. They wonder if I'm going to sing anything, and I tell them I'm just too pissed, but I appreciate the recognition. We get to talking and they buy a round of shots.
They invite me to go to The B with them, and the blond girl drives with another guy while I ride over in her dark haired friend's minivan. For the few minutes it takes to drive there, her friend and I talk nonstop. Once inside, we get to dancing, which gets progressively closer and more intimate until we begin to kiss. We all leave upon last call, and as I'm the most sober one there, we hop into Dark Haired Girl's Mazda minivan and I drive Blonde girl home. She crashes curling up in her living room chair, and we tuck her in.
On the drive back to my car, Dark Haired Girl reveals someting to me beyond my wildest dream. She tells me that she and her friends have all been watching me since I started going to D's last September (remember the post when I sat down next to the talent scout guy?) I tell her I thought I was invisible. She says all her friends think I'm amazing. As she's talking, she's saying every last thing I've ever needed to hear, and by the time we get back and park next to my car, tears are streaming down my face.
Instead of getting out, we sit in her van and talk while kissing and holding hands, leaning against each other. She says things to me that I would swear she was reading this blog, she seems to know me better than I know myself. It was like the words to Killing Me Softly...
Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song,
Killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song ...
He sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair.
I don't know how long we sat there talking, but it seemed like hours, and I felt comfort, serenity, and blessed relief in her musical voice, and the feel of her touch. Every trouble I may have had melted away completely, and for the first time since I can remember, my heart felt lifted, not weighing heavily in me. We drive back to her apartment, and I tell her about this blog, if she wants to get a good feel for who I am. After giving it a quick look, she turns toward me, our chairs facing each other with her legs between mine, and we continue talking in each others' arms for still what felt like a heavenly forever. The petting becomes more intense, and discretion sparing detail, we make beautiful glorious love. By the time I get home, it's 6:30am. I have spent all day thinking about her. Not what happened so much physically, but the sound of her voice.
Her whispers echo in my ears still.