So I'm in a bit of a down swing now. (shocker) I think it's because tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and although I try to be all jaded and cynical, telling myself that it's just an overblown greeting card industry day, I can't believe it. At heart I'm a sentimental (and admittedly gullible) schmuck, this time of year is the lemon juice to my paper cuts.
So Tuesday I pop by the Leaf to complete some homework over coffee and then maybe get a warm glow on afterward. Tuesdays being $2 for any beer night, I decide to try something new. I order this beer called Golden Monkey, and it's delicious. I have work in the morning, and don't want to get too far-gone, so I figure I'll drink about three or four bottles and get my buzz on. What I wasn't aware of is that Golden Monkey has a 9.5% alcohol content.
Five bottles later, I've melted into one of the big comfy leather chairs on the small upstairs section, trashed beyond rational thought. I'm so drunk I'm sitting up there bawling things like "I lovvvvve you Angelaaaaaa! You're my motherfucker!!", and "Why can't I be closer to Tricia?? Whyyyy??"
Not fun the next morning at work. Golden Monkey is pure liquid evil.
---
On Wednesdays and Thursdays, I have class at 6:30, so they usually work me until 4pm and I kill the time studying at the Books & Co. coffee shop. There's this girl there... I've had a huge crush on her for ages. Well, after chatting off and on with her, as I'm leaving, I ask her out. She says yes. Stunned nearly silent, I somehow manage to communicate that I'm open the next afternoon between work and school, and she gives me her number. I spend all night in class nearly hyperventilating, and giggling randomly. The class and my instructor find this very amusing.
So Thursday I work the longest day I think I've ever worked, and after calling her, we meet at a nearby Starbucks. She looks absolutely gorgeous, and I'm so nervous I'm having trouble acting like I'm not completely drunk. I mention something about "first date". She says she has a boyfriend.
Oh. Please excuse me while I go stab myself in the heart.
I'm sitting there so completely embarrassed, but we have the best conversation I can recall having with anybody in the longest time. We agree to be "movie buddies". :-) But all along, she's sitting there radiant in all her bookish, slightly awkward artsy nerdy perfection, making weird faces as she's about to sneeze and asking me if she's got a booger in her nose. And I'm sitting there desperately trying not to shatter into pieces and wishing the moment would never end.
If ever I've felt a "click" with somebody, it's her. If ever I've felt parallel to somebody instead of the usual perpendicular to the rest of humanity, it's her. I know, I know. It's too early to want to be with somebody. It's too soon after the divorce to look at other people. I need to learn to be 100% secure, content, self-sufficient, more fully developed as a person, and unneeding of human contact before I go looking for it.
But I'm starting to call bullshit on that. Seriously. Is it such a bad thing for a man's weak spot to be love? Is it so horrible to resent my isolation from the world around me? Still, I know it's immature to go breaking my own heart over every woman that crosses my path.
But the idea was once presented to me that I love like a woman loves (true), and women don't want another woman, they want a man. They want to be loved in a manly way. I understand about the women wanting a man and not another woman, but "manly way"? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
I guess it all boils down to this... it feels like there's something I'm not getting. Like there's this truth that I'm just not grasping. Like there's something other people know that I don't, and until I do, I'm going to be stumbling around cluelessly, admonished for my ignorance.
---
But! Things could be a whole lot worse, and I'm thankful they aren't. I recognize I'm being overly sensitive and kinda drama-queeny. I didn't mention Thursday night and Saturday, and between the Coffee Girl and somebody I befriended thursday, I've two wonderful new acquaintances. School is going well, and I'm gaining notoriety in my camera skills class. I'm gonna post this, take a shower, and hit Dayton to shoot for my next project before going to work tonight. Be sure to catch the new photos which round out my sorrow project below. :-)
So Tuesday I pop by the Leaf to complete some homework over coffee and then maybe get a warm glow on afterward. Tuesdays being $2 for any beer night, I decide to try something new. I order this beer called Golden Monkey, and it's delicious. I have work in the morning, and don't want to get too far-gone, so I figure I'll drink about three or four bottles and get my buzz on. What I wasn't aware of is that Golden Monkey has a 9.5% alcohol content.
Five bottles later, I've melted into one of the big comfy leather chairs on the small upstairs section, trashed beyond rational thought. I'm so drunk I'm sitting up there bawling things like "I lovvvvve you Angelaaaaaa! You're my motherfucker!!", and "Why can't I be closer to Tricia?? Whyyyy??"
Not fun the next morning at work. Golden Monkey is pure liquid evil.
---
On Wednesdays and Thursdays, I have class at 6:30, so they usually work me until 4pm and I kill the time studying at the Books & Co. coffee shop. There's this girl there... I've had a huge crush on her for ages. Well, after chatting off and on with her, as I'm leaving, I ask her out. She says yes. Stunned nearly silent, I somehow manage to communicate that I'm open the next afternoon between work and school, and she gives me her number. I spend all night in class nearly hyperventilating, and giggling randomly. The class and my instructor find this very amusing.
So Thursday I work the longest day I think I've ever worked, and after calling her, we meet at a nearby Starbucks. She looks absolutely gorgeous, and I'm so nervous I'm having trouble acting like I'm not completely drunk. I mention something about "first date". She says she has a boyfriend.
Oh. Please excuse me while I go stab myself in the heart.
I'm sitting there so completely embarrassed, but we have the best conversation I can recall having with anybody in the longest time. We agree to be "movie buddies". :-) But all along, she's sitting there radiant in all her bookish, slightly awkward artsy nerdy perfection, making weird faces as she's about to sneeze and asking me if she's got a booger in her nose. And I'm sitting there desperately trying not to shatter into pieces and wishing the moment would never end.
If ever I've felt a "click" with somebody, it's her. If ever I've felt parallel to somebody instead of the usual perpendicular to the rest of humanity, it's her. I know, I know. It's too early to want to be with somebody. It's too soon after the divorce to look at other people. I need to learn to be 100% secure, content, self-sufficient, more fully developed as a person, and unneeding of human contact before I go looking for it.
But I'm starting to call bullshit on that. Seriously. Is it such a bad thing for a man's weak spot to be love? Is it so horrible to resent my isolation from the world around me? Still, I know it's immature to go breaking my own heart over every woman that crosses my path.
But the idea was once presented to me that I love like a woman loves (true), and women don't want another woman, they want a man. They want to be loved in a manly way. I understand about the women wanting a man and not another woman, but "manly way"? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
I guess it all boils down to this... it feels like there's something I'm not getting. Like there's this truth that I'm just not grasping. Like there's something other people know that I don't, and until I do, I'm going to be stumbling around cluelessly, admonished for my ignorance.
---
But! Things could be a whole lot worse, and I'm thankful they aren't. I recognize I'm being overly sensitive and kinda drama-queeny. I didn't mention Thursday night and Saturday, and between the Coffee Girl and somebody I befriended thursday, I've two wonderful new acquaintances. School is going well, and I'm gaining notoriety in my camera skills class. I'm gonna post this, take a shower, and hit Dayton to shoot for my next project before going to work tonight. Be sure to catch the new photos which round out my sorrow project below. :-)
posted by Grover at 2/13/2006 10:49:00 AM
5 Comments:
Me thinks Coffee girl may not be into her boyfriend all that much if she is accepting coffee invitations from you.
I don't understand how there is a difference between how men and women love. That's just splitting hairs, isn't it? Loving is loving.
However, that said, it is rather pissy that coffee girl didn't make things more clear from the start. I mean, what did she think you were asking anyway?
Bravo on all the new friends and the extremely cool courses. I envy you that.
Nan - Nah, I think it's because she thought I was interesting through the chitchats we've had prior.
Barbara - Pissy? No. I caught her totally off guard, and I think she was just really flattered at the moment. It's not her fault, it's mine for building up a world of hope and putting it on her shoulders. I still pop by the place hoping she'll be working.
If only it were that simple, loving being loving. I don't know where the complexity comes from, but I sure as hell sense (and have been told by numerous independant sources) that women here in smalltown Ohio hold men to a certain emasculate standard. I fall so very far short of it.
Oh, Andy. I feel the same way as far as falling for every guy who is sweet to me. I really need to start putting up some walls around my heart instead of throwing my heart at them from day one. Dating is the hardest thing ever. It's all one big game. I try not to think it is and I try to have faith and believe that if two people were meant to be together, games wouldn't be necessary. But if you give your heart openly and freely, then they don't feel like they have anything to work at.
As far as the rest of the world knowing something you don't. Guy, I'm in the dark with you...totally clueless.
TG - I'd contemplated trying to put walls up myself, but I think in the long run I'd rather be in pain than be numb. Both of our hearts are too big to contain, anyway. What I have lost my faith in is fate. I'll leave those magical chance encounters for the movies. They just don't happen in real life. And I have to give myself freely. Who the hell put forth effort to work at me otherwise?
Nah.. I'm just being pessimistic. I hate being sick, it always seems to bring the mood down, doesn't it? Thank you for the empathy. I don't feel so alone when you comment here. :-)
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