Have you ever really thought about how the traditional symbol for the Yin and Yang is more than just a visual representation of the balance of equal but opposite forces? Ever notice, much like warm and cool air, how they remain not statically side by side, but rather swirl and spiral about each other in graceful fluid turbulence? The perpetual rotational momentum forever remaining unresolved, and thus, balanced and equalized by its own imbalance and inequality?
I have had so many positive blessings fall at my feet over the last couple of weeks, it is as though I could walk ankle-deep through them as I would a fresh snowfall: The new adventures of my traveling job. The demolition of my lifelong social brick wall. My latest consistently good paychecks. My friend Jen who when I asked laid against me and let me hold her while we watched a movie. Forming solid friendships with the people I work with, and learning and growing significantly by the examples of their free spirited natures. Akron Girl sending me a virtual kiss, perfectly timed after my feelings got bruised. A first date today with girl who, while I don't think I will pursue her romantically, was a sweetheart nonetheless. Talking with another I have yet to meet, but with whom I have established a definite “click”.
But just as there are soothing warm breezes, there are also chilling cold winds... the unpredicability of my new job's nomadic lifestyle which has turned my usual way of life upside down. Having to uproot and move somewhere new, wiping my slate clean just as I begin to get comfortable and learn the lay of each new temporary home. My student loan lender threatening to garnish my wages. The knowledge that as I sit here typing this in my room at 3:07 am, alone in the darkness with nobody to reach out to, 20 minutes away another man is laying with Dark Haired Girl where I once slept. The God-awful sick feeling of being so quickly replaced. The abject guilt of having stood by idly and done essentially nothing while our relationship stalled, crashed, and burned. The devastating sudden deprivation of human touch.
And just as yin and yang dance their whirling dervish, and warm and cold air meet in thunderous violent storms, so too have the good with the bad been clashing in my head. It's been a very confusing time lately. Most everything I'd come to know has been upheaved. While I've always upheld the belief that change is good, and I'm sticking to that claim as my life had ground to a dead standstill before taking off with the explosive speed of a Patriot missile, all this swirling conflict has created a raging tornado in my head. So please excuse me if I don't seem like myself for a while. I'm having trouble processing the sheer volume of new inputs.
Tornadoes inevitably dissipate, storm fronts eventually occlude, and soon enough I'll begin to grasp just what in the HELL is happening to me.
Till then, pardon the temporary insanity. :-)