I'm in a weird place right now. I've been on my own for only about two and a half months, and already I'm starting to want to un-single myself. I mean, I wrote in an email to Steff that I'm living the life of my dreams, free to come, go and do as I please. Just tonight after work, I went over to Joe Muggs' and bought a cup of coffee, sat down, and alternately closed my eyes or stared into space while sipping away. Nowhere to be, nobody wondering where I am, and no schedule to follow save for whatever the hell I want to do next, and whenever the hell I decide to get up and do it. Do you have any idea how many years I spend dreaming of that exact moment? Believe me, I was savouring every last millisecond of it.
But fuck if it wouldn't be nice to have a girl to hold hands with.
My heart's been weighing on me like a huge chunk of granite lately. I keep wondering if that's a sign of weakness... as though if I could be more free-spirited and independant, I wouldn't feel this loneliness. I wouldn't feel the desire for companionship as an intense need to somehow complete me, but rather if I could somehow become less shallow, I could simply want a girlfriend as one would want a fancy car... nice to have, but not at all necessary. I'm so confused.
Now's not even the right time... I still have miles to go to unlock who I truly am before I can share that true Andy with anybody else. Right now, all I have to offer is some immature, incomplete, frightened, and distorted version of who I'm supposed to be, wanting nothing more than to latch on and suck all the pity and attention out of whoever is unfortunate enough to fall prey to my desperation. That is neither right nor fair to do, and is the ultimate setup for a horribly unhealthy host/parasite relationship.
It's a harsh truth that spending time with myself is of the utmost necessity for my soul to grow. I need to be alone for a while longer. I need solitude. I hate solitude. I crave it. I love it. I despise it. I require it. I resent it.
But I need it.
But fuck if it wouldn't be nice to have a girl to hold hands with.
My heart's been weighing on me like a huge chunk of granite lately. I keep wondering if that's a sign of weakness... as though if I could be more free-spirited and independant, I wouldn't feel this loneliness. I wouldn't feel the desire for companionship as an intense need to somehow complete me, but rather if I could somehow become less shallow, I could simply want a girlfriend as one would want a fancy car... nice to have, but not at all necessary. I'm so confused.
Now's not even the right time... I still have miles to go to unlock who I truly am before I can share that true Andy with anybody else. Right now, all I have to offer is some immature, incomplete, frightened, and distorted version of who I'm supposed to be, wanting nothing more than to latch on and suck all the pity and attention out of whoever is unfortunate enough to fall prey to my desperation. That is neither right nor fair to do, and is the ultimate setup for a horribly unhealthy host/parasite relationship.
It's a harsh truth that spending time with myself is of the utmost necessity for my soul to grow. I need to be alone for a while longer. I need solitude. I hate solitude. I crave it. I love it. I despise it. I require it. I resent it.
But I need it.
posted by Grover at 1/25/2006 12:44:00 AM
4 Comments:
Andy, you are a very reflective person. Most people never do that degree of soul-searching, whether it's because they are too shallow or because they are too frightened about what they might discover.
But don't feel that you need to be complete before you share your soul with someone. We are none of us ever complete.
You'll find yourself along the way. Just enjoy the time discovering who you are and who you are becoming.
Keep to yourself for a while. I had a thought occur to me as I sat around watching my friends marry and shit. And I thought, "When I find HIM, I'll want to commit. For as long as it takes." I realized that that commitment might just see my life pass by. And I'd never, ever again get to be single.
People often don't like being alone for a lot of reasons. It's harder to hide from the things you dislike about yourself. It's easier to be content with who you are when you have someone mirroring caring to you.
Life's rough. But if you have the strenth to endure aloneness and all it offers, it's at least a hell of a lot richer.
It's why I have the attitudes I do about life that you enjoy so much. 'Cause I enjoyed myself when alone, and still do. But yeah, I'm ready for a real relationship now. I've done my time, and I'm better for it. Should be interesting to see what comes of it.
Thank you guys. Like I said before, you are the super glue with which I reassemble myself after toppling over and shattering on the ground.
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