'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

So I'm listening to another generically un-catchy song on the radio, but am struck by the the line which titles this post. It's funny, because I was on my way home from having stopped by L&V after work.

There's a band performing made up of a guy on acoustic guitar and a guy singing. You can always tell the musicians' girlfriends either by their over-exuberance at the performance, or because they're the only woman in the place sitting by themselves. Tonight, there was this blisteringly hot woman enthusiastically dancing and clapping to the show. Figured she was just part of the band's entourage. After the show was over, the singer walked over to the bar and was standing next to where I was perched, and ordered a shot. The avid fan walked over to him and purred "Hi, I'm so-and-so." To which he (very Rico Suavely, I might add) replied "Well, hello. I'm so-and-so. Let me buy you a shot."

I had just finished joking to some out-of-towners who were complaining about the lack of women that there were no involuntarily single women in Troy between the ages of 16 and 50. I looked over to my friend Ash (whom I've recently befriended at The Leaf, story for later), and said "Jesus, those two are totally going to hook up tonight. That's it, I gotta get the hell out of here."

And yet, I realized that I was perversely comforted by the feelings induced by watching guys around me hook up, but not me. It's because I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all, and pain is comfortable. It's like a warm blanket protecting me from the cold feeling of feeling nothing.

Sophie once said I was a "sensation seeker". She noticed I always had to be fidgeting with something textured, rubbing it over the palms of my hands, or which stimulated other senses like brightly colored things or noise makers. She could immobilize me with neck and back rubs, digging her fingertips deep into my muscles. I always have to be feeling something.

And so I create drama to feel pain. I fear numbness, as I fear living death. And so I make big drama-queenish deals about situations to myself, and make specific points to notice every woman wherever I am, and the guy she's talking to, just to ensure that I have some spiky texture to rub myself with from the inside. Just to make sure I'm not feeling nothing.

And as continue making mountains out of molehills, all the while I'm sporting a monster hickey on my neck. Right front-and-center on my adam's apple, no less. But that's another story... ;-)