Bitch, bitch, bitch... it's all I ever do anymore.
It's 12:04am as I sit down to write this. My alarm is set for 6am. I have to be at work by 7:30. And here I am, wide awake and laying alone with eyes unable to close, staring into the darkness with a pounding case of the lonelies.
Jen and I did our usual Sunday afternoon hang-out, as has become a routine I very much look forward to. I decided to cook tonight. From-scratch mac n' cheese, baked tuscan herb chicken, and mixed veggies. I swear, were it not for her, I'd have lost my marbles the second my last flame dumped me. We had our usual discussions about relationships, and how different things look from the mens' and womens' perspectives. I was telling her that the most discouraging aspect of being a lonely single guy is the uncertainty. I know guys who, when they need companionship, hit the bar and just "get" a woman and have all sorts of unimaginable sexy adventures, as I would go to the store and "get" a gallon of milk and have... a glass.
I'm too bland to attract that sort of attention. To thine own self be true... flashy alpha males get to have those kinds of experiences, and I'm just too much of a laid-back type B personality. So when I get to feeling lonely and wanting like hell to kiss a girl, I have to land myself in steady long-term committed relationship before I get to touch another human being. And that's where the uncertainty lies. The five W's. Who will she be? When will I meet her? What will the circumstances be? Where am I going to meet her? Why is she going for a guy like me?
It may happen tomorrow. It may happen five years from now. And up until that point, I'm staring into the total darkness without a clue as to either when or where. And once I meet someone who thinks I'm ok, then begins the courtship. The long and dreadfully slow hike down the path of getting to know one another, seeing if we get along, and then establishing and nurturing a deep and soulful emotional connection, which takes a LONG FUCKING TIME.
Jen suggested that maybe I've already met that girl. My ego would like to think that she's referring to herself. It wouldn't be the first time she's dropped hints like that. I usually play dumb, but I catch them. And it's taken quite a few years for the connection we share to solidify and deepen as it has. It's just that we tried the relationship "thing", and it didn't work AT ALL. Crash and burn and explode to smithereens. The circumstances preventing a functioning romantic relationship between us are impassable. But she's a part of me. I feel so comfortable with and connected to her. I miss her when I'm out of town. And I abso-fucking-lutely DREAD the prospect of having to start at square one and blank slate with someone new, and taking the years upon years of effort to reach the level of attachment that I already have with Jen.
Jesus, I'm about to utter the phrase that has made me so bloody nauseous to my stomach the countless times unwitting crushes of mine have said it to me, but here goes:
I wish I could meet someone like her.
Jen and I did our usual Sunday afternoon hang-out, as has become a routine I very much look forward to. I decided to cook tonight. From-scratch mac n' cheese, baked tuscan herb chicken, and mixed veggies. I swear, were it not for her, I'd have lost my marbles the second my last flame dumped me. We had our usual discussions about relationships, and how different things look from the mens' and womens' perspectives. I was telling her that the most discouraging aspect of being a lonely single guy is the uncertainty. I know guys who, when they need companionship, hit the bar and just "get" a woman and have all sorts of unimaginable sexy adventures, as I would go to the store and "get" a gallon of milk and have... a glass.
I'm too bland to attract that sort of attention. To thine own self be true... flashy alpha males get to have those kinds of experiences, and I'm just too much of a laid-back type B personality. So when I get to feeling lonely and wanting like hell to kiss a girl, I have to land myself in steady long-term committed relationship before I get to touch another human being. And that's where the uncertainty lies. The five W's. Who will she be? When will I meet her? What will the circumstances be? Where am I going to meet her? Why is she going for a guy like me?
It may happen tomorrow. It may happen five years from now. And up until that point, I'm staring into the total darkness without a clue as to either when or where. And once I meet someone who thinks I'm ok, then begins the courtship. The long and dreadfully slow hike down the path of getting to know one another, seeing if we get along, and then establishing and nurturing a deep and soulful emotional connection, which takes a LONG FUCKING TIME.
Jen suggested that maybe I've already met that girl. My ego would like to think that she's referring to herself. It wouldn't be the first time she's dropped hints like that. I usually play dumb, but I catch them. And it's taken quite a few years for the connection we share to solidify and deepen as it has. It's just that we tried the relationship "thing", and it didn't work AT ALL. Crash and burn and explode to smithereens. The circumstances preventing a functioning romantic relationship between us are impassable. But she's a part of me. I feel so comfortable with and connected to her. I miss her when I'm out of town. And I abso-fucking-lutely DREAD the prospect of having to start at square one and blank slate with someone new, and taking the years upon years of effort to reach the level of attachment that I already have with Jen.
Jesus, I'm about to utter the phrase that has made me so bloody nauseous to my stomach the countless times unwitting crushes of mine have said it to me, but here goes:
I wish I could meet someone like her.
posted by Grover at 4/23/2012 12:01:00 AM
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