Hi all. I decided to go (after a fair bit of research and some advice during an unexpected encounter with a weird new-agey healer) to embark on a regimen of B vitamins and this stuff called 5-HTP, which I gather is the amino acid your brain uses to create seratonin, the "feel good" chemical. Thus far, it has done a decent job of taking the edge off of my anxiety. My teeth feel better as I have greatly reduced my jaw clenching, and I simply don't feel so damned uptight about work as I had been. Subtle effects, but noticeable.
Of course, it doesn't help that at this time last year, I was living in Cleveland with a career and adult life steaming full speed ahead like an ore freighter across Lake Erie. I felt like I had my life ahead of me then. It doesn't feel much like that now... more like somehow the best that life had to offer has already come and passed by, and now it's just down to existing from day to day. But deep down I know that's not really true.
At least I have a job, albeit part time and with the Evil Empire. After two rounds of layoffs at my store alone, as well as the last remaining Fortune 500 company (NCR) in the city of Dayton now having announced plans to leave town within the next year, a whole lotta people can't say that. That, and Liz wants me to work more hours with her. I haven't lost my perspective on things, which is why although it sounds like I'm all boo-hooing and full of despair, at worst I'm really just kinda bummed about the state of things, and am otherwise keeping my chin up, riding my bike a lot, losing weight, and getting some SEXY-ass muscular legs. ;-)
I still have the slow trickle of occasional gigs coming in, which helps quash the feeling that I've lost my profession. That's my worst fear. Worse than spiders.
eek.
---
I did something the other morning which I haven't done in what feels like a very long time... I took pictures. Not for a gig, but just because the spirit moved me to do so, which is something I haven't felt in a good while. I had woken up early at Dark Haired Girl's house to go home and get dressed for a day working with Liz, and was stunned by the scenery of sunrise over the misty fields of her father's farm.
It felt good having even a fleeting moment of inspiration, like meeting an old friend again.
Of course, it doesn't help that at this time last year, I was living in Cleveland with a career and adult life steaming full speed ahead like an ore freighter across Lake Erie. I felt like I had my life ahead of me then. It doesn't feel much like that now... more like somehow the best that life had to offer has already come and passed by, and now it's just down to existing from day to day. But deep down I know that's not really true.
At least I have a job, albeit part time and with the Evil Empire. After two rounds of layoffs at my store alone, as well as the last remaining Fortune 500 company (NCR) in the city of Dayton now having announced plans to leave town within the next year, a whole lotta people can't say that. That, and Liz wants me to work more hours with her. I haven't lost my perspective on things, which is why although it sounds like I'm all boo-hooing and full of despair, at worst I'm really just kinda bummed about the state of things, and am otherwise keeping my chin up, riding my bike a lot, losing weight, and getting some SEXY-ass muscular legs. ;-)
I still have the slow trickle of occasional gigs coming in, which helps quash the feeling that I've lost my profession. That's my worst fear. Worse than spiders.
eek.
---
I did something the other morning which I haven't done in what feels like a very long time... I took pictures. Not for a gig, but just because the spirit moved me to do so, which is something I haven't felt in a good while. I had woken up early at Dark Haired Girl's house to go home and get dressed for a day working with Liz, and was stunned by the scenery of sunrise over the misty fields of her father's farm.
It felt good having even a fleeting moment of inspiration, like meeting an old friend again.
posted by Grover at 8/02/2009 07:01:00 PM
2 Comments:
the first photo..i would love a copy of that! gorgeous picture!!
Anxiety can be crippling. You have to have decent insurance through the Evil Empire by now. As big as they are, they have to have SOME sort of plan. Do yourself a favor and go see a counselor about this. You can't always fix it on your own. You can try and you can things that help, but some times you need the boost. Take it from one who's had such severe panic attacks that she thought she was dying. Get the help you need.
That being said, I'm gonna be like Michelle... I would really love a copy of the black and white photo. it's stunning and would go marvelously in my bedroom. I still have your yellow and red tulips framed photo in my apartment. Hopefully if I can buy this house, it will move to the kitchen.
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