Tantalus Grabs the Grapevine
"Or how me all must die a bit before we can grow again."
I was at my wit's end. It was do or die. The question was, do exactly what? She kept asking what it is that I needed. Freedom. Independance. To live by my rules, and nobody else's. There was a completely different person I became when she would go visit her mom, and who would die upon her return. I needed to strike out on my own to become that person permenantly, or else do something drastic. She said that she could never be just my friend, she could only be my wife. And I said that she couldn't be my wife because the friendship had died years ago, and well as the love that was based thereupon.
And that's what I'm really looking for when I go out. I just want to find that rarest of treasures... people to kill the loneliness. People with whom I "click". Friends.
Whose blogs I read, I read for a reason: jealousy. I want Orb's freedom to express his rather unusual hobbies and not fear the stray ill comment. I want Texas Gurl's friends and charm. I want Chickpea's confidnce and refusal to apologize for anything (and her eye for capturing beauty, and her sex life). I want Britt's party life and ballsy attitude. I want Bouncegrrrl's experiences of (to me) exotic locations. I want Jen St. Clair's creative talent and taste for simple pleasures in life. Most of all, I want society, a pack to run with. Friends to be with and bring out the best in me. Friends to lift me up. Friends to save me. Caro was once that friend, but I grew to blame and ultimately resent her for stealing the youth I never got to live.
Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. It takes two to tango.
In college, I remembered a story from an interpersonal communications class. It was of a couple who had grown so distant that they actually had to separate and start dating again to, as Journey put it so well in "Faithfully" get the joy of rediscovering you. And they did...started from square one. So I figured I can run away from my problems, leaving a wake of sorrow, and go off and live my fantasy frat-boy life, or I can grow up a little and deal with my problems.
So I told that if I were to stay, our relationship is to radically change will.
I am going to live from now on.
I am going to become that person I become when she leaves.
I am going to say whatever is on my mind.
I am going to come and go as I please (within reason).
I am going to be emotionally distant for a while.
I am going to create, and will not be interrupted while doing so.
I form crushes on people. I always have and probably always will.
I have huge crushes on Texas and Chickpea.
I have a crush on Linda at Family Garden down the street.
I have crushes on Angela and Yvonne.
It's my artistic nature. Lame excuse, yes, but that's the way I am.
I will always find people beautiful.
I am bisexual. I have a crush on this guy that Viv works with. He's really cute.
I'd totally make out with him.
I need to have a life seperate from her. One that is strictly my own.
Like the song "Drops of Jupiter", I need to take a trip through the galaxy.
I will be a better person when I return.
I'm cutting the leash. Now that I'm free, I won't be scrabbling so hard for the world which lies in the opposite direction from her. I will be out there reaching my hand out to lift her into it.
I told her that (as I have always said) she is free to do as she pleases, no matter what it is, and I will be there when she comes back. We have different wants and tastes and needs, and that's perfectly okay. All I ask is the same respect and understanding in return. Two people living their lives as full as they can and being there for each other. No more posession. No more domination. No more submission. No more controlling, and no more resentment. She wants me to have sex with other people. I want her to have sex with other people. Not like I'm looking to get laid, but if the opportunity presents itself, I will probably succumb to temptation. Fair? In the long run, probably not. But that's the way I am now, and like the movie "Normal", it's an admission and a change that absolutely has to happen. It would be far more unfair to continue to deny the free spirit that I am any longer. Life is way too short, and I've already squandered the majority of my youth.
So tonight, as last thursday, I head to the Oregon District in search of that rarest of treasures. And when I come home, there will be a cute girl there whom I hope to make friends with again someday.
I was at my wit's end. It was do or die. The question was, do exactly what? She kept asking what it is that I needed. Freedom. Independance. To live by my rules, and nobody else's. There was a completely different person I became when she would go visit her mom, and who would die upon her return. I needed to strike out on my own to become that person permenantly, or else do something drastic. She said that she could never be just my friend, she could only be my wife. And I said that she couldn't be my wife because the friendship had died years ago, and well as the love that was based thereupon.
And that's what I'm really looking for when I go out. I just want to find that rarest of treasures... people to kill the loneliness. People with whom I "click". Friends.
Whose blogs I read, I read for a reason: jealousy. I want Orb's freedom to express his rather unusual hobbies and not fear the stray ill comment. I want Texas Gurl's friends and charm. I want Chickpea's confidnce and refusal to apologize for anything (and her eye for capturing beauty, and her sex life). I want Britt's party life and ballsy attitude. I want Bouncegrrrl's experiences of (to me) exotic locations. I want Jen St. Clair's creative talent and taste for simple pleasures in life. Most of all, I want society, a pack to run with. Friends to be with and bring out the best in me. Friends to lift me up. Friends to save me. Caro was once that friend, but I grew to blame and ultimately resent her for stealing the youth I never got to live.
Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. It takes two to tango.
In college, I remembered a story from an interpersonal communications class. It was of a couple who had grown so distant that they actually had to separate and start dating again to, as Journey put it so well in "Faithfully" get the joy of rediscovering you. And they did...started from square one. So I figured I can run away from my problems, leaving a wake of sorrow, and go off and live my fantasy frat-boy life, or I can grow up a little and deal with my problems.
So I told that if I were to stay, our relationship is to radically change will.
I am going to live from now on.
I am going to become that person I become when she leaves.
I am going to say whatever is on my mind.
I am going to come and go as I please (within reason).
I am going to be emotionally distant for a while.
I am going to create, and will not be interrupted while doing so.
I form crushes on people. I always have and probably always will.
I have huge crushes on Texas and Chickpea.
I have a crush on Linda at Family Garden down the street.
I have crushes on Angela and Yvonne.
It's my artistic nature. Lame excuse, yes, but that's the way I am.
I will always find people beautiful.
I am bisexual. I have a crush on this guy that Viv works with. He's really cute.
I'd totally make out with him.
I need to have a life seperate from her. One that is strictly my own.
Like the song "Drops of Jupiter", I need to take a trip through the galaxy.
I will be a better person when I return.
I'm cutting the leash. Now that I'm free, I won't be scrabbling so hard for the world which lies in the opposite direction from her. I will be out there reaching my hand out to lift her into it.
I told her that (as I have always said) she is free to do as she pleases, no matter what it is, and I will be there when she comes back. We have different wants and tastes and needs, and that's perfectly okay. All I ask is the same respect and understanding in return. Two people living their lives as full as they can and being there for each other. No more posession. No more domination. No more submission. No more controlling, and no more resentment. She wants me to have sex with other people. I want her to have sex with other people. Not like I'm looking to get laid, but if the opportunity presents itself, I will probably succumb to temptation. Fair? In the long run, probably not. But that's the way I am now, and like the movie "Normal", it's an admission and a change that absolutely has to happen. It would be far more unfair to continue to deny the free spirit that I am any longer. Life is way too short, and I've already squandered the majority of my youth.
So tonight, as last thursday, I head to the Oregon District in search of that rarest of treasures. And when I come home, there will be a cute girl there whom I hope to make friends with again someday.
posted by Grover at 2/10/2005 04:55:00 PM
4 Comments:
Firstly, *hugs* for both of you. I can feel tears on the pillows for a few nights, and from me (Everything I Do - Bryan Adams just came on as I started to type this, which isn't helping.)
I guess we all have something to be envious of, at the moment I envy your capability to "cut the leash" - my heart would never permit me to go that way. I have always envied the fact you have a wonderful wife, though I don't envy your present situation.
A note on "stealing the youth I never got to live":
1) You're still a *young* man, with your looks, vigour (and apparently appetite :)) for the pleasures of youth.
2) Steal? At least in the first instance you gave her yourself. Marriage is often restricting to an extent, which is a good part of it's original purpose. Steal is harsh, it does take two to tango as you say.
This is the crux of those points seems to be this one:
"I need to have a life seperate from her. One that is strictly my own."
When you marry you take two whole lives and chop, squeeze, and massage them in to one. If it's done really well, with a good match of people, then there isn't much chopping and the compromise is manageable. When there is too much compromise, one or both parties end up folding on too many issues and that builds resentment and destruction of the self. Which is obviously how you feel. Whether that indicates a fundamental incompatibility, or a need to redo the bond in a less oppressive way is up to the both of you.
However the near future goes, I hope it contains as little pain as possible.
So, go and get life, but as the song says about love, "Don't tell me it's not worth dying for."
Christ sake. Previous comment was from me. [I know the preachy tone should identify me, but best not to leave it to chance.]
Ditto to all that Orbling said. But the one thing I dont get is this: How can you expect a drastic change to occur on both sides of the story? If you both radically change, you won't be the same people you were/are. Do you really think that solves everything?
To accomplish this: "I need to have a life seperate from her. One that is strictly my own." you must walk away and start over. THAT is not running away - its called re-birth. If I could do it, you can too.
Sorry to offend, I was trying to be as non-partisan as possible.
We don't know the full story, granted, and because of that any advice we give should be taken with that in mind. Personally, I'd love to see Caro's side of the story, but it's not my business to ask for it - the other side is supplied already.
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