Went to the dermatologist today. Ever since I was a preteen, there has been this little thing the size of your pinky nail hanging off my back. Caro (the ex-wife for new readers) even used to beg me to let her cut it off. But it was always normal skin tone. Well, over the last year, it grew to the size of your thumbnail, and last week, I looked at it in the mirror, and it had changed colors and developed a black spot.
Tuesday I called the dermatologist's office, and explained that I needed to have this thing removed, but that I was a broke college student. They said to come in the next day at 9am for an appointment to discuss payment options. I show up Wednesday morning, and they send me in to see the doctor. I explain my financial situation again, and he asks first to see the problem.
For starters, he says that it's just a harmless polyp. They can be as ugly as all get out, but harmless. He makes a pinching gesture toward it, as though he was just going to pluck it off, while saying "Why don't we remove it?" (he's got a great sense of humor) I flinch away and ask if he's going to numb it first. He says with mock disappointment "Okay... I guess we can do that." A shot of novocaine later, and he's snipped it off and I'm looking at it laying on a tray, finally off my back.
It bleeds like a seive, so he cauterizes it with a laser. Despite the local anisthetic, it kind of stings a little, but my attention is quickly diverted by the horrible smell that wafts up. I ask "Is that my flesh burning?" He says "Yep! Doesn't it smell great?"
What a kidder. Anyhoo, his nurse band-aids it up while he writes up the form and tells me to take it to the receptionist. I do, and the billing lady says "You're good to go."
"What?"
"No charge."
"You mean... just out of the doctor's generosity?"
"Yep! You don't owe anything."
"Well, shit. What an amazingly selfless gesture. That just makes my entire week!"
"I'll tell him you said that."
---
I've been bleeding little spots upon doing #2 in the bathroom for the last month or two, and tonight at school, you could just hear the blood dripping into the water. A quick perusal of reputable websites tells me that I probably have internal hemorrhoids.
fuck.
So here's a rundown of my body:
1) had a growth removed
2) got my first gray hair
3) I have hemorrhoids
4) I can't see shit. I need glasses.
5) my back hurts nonstop.
6) the last flu I had kicked my ass for three straight days, not the usual 1 day.
Time to face the fact that I'm not a spring chicken anymore, and that my body has just begun to show the signs of aging. Just like a new car after about 80k miles. Shit starts to fall apart
.
Andy is not a happy camper at the moment.
Tuesday I called the dermatologist's office, and explained that I needed to have this thing removed, but that I was a broke college student. They said to come in the next day at 9am for an appointment to discuss payment options. I show up Wednesday morning, and they send me in to see the doctor. I explain my financial situation again, and he asks first to see the problem.
For starters, he says that it's just a harmless polyp. They can be as ugly as all get out, but harmless. He makes a pinching gesture toward it, as though he was just going to pluck it off, while saying "Why don't we remove it?" (he's got a great sense of humor) I flinch away and ask if he's going to numb it first. He says with mock disappointment "Okay... I guess we can do that." A shot of novocaine later, and he's snipped it off and I'm looking at it laying on a tray, finally off my back.
It bleeds like a seive, so he cauterizes it with a laser. Despite the local anisthetic, it kind of stings a little, but my attention is quickly diverted by the horrible smell that wafts up. I ask "Is that my flesh burning?" He says "Yep! Doesn't it smell great?"
What a kidder. Anyhoo, his nurse band-aids it up while he writes up the form and tells me to take it to the receptionist. I do, and the billing lady says "You're good to go."
"What?"
"No charge."
"You mean... just out of the doctor's generosity?"
"Yep! You don't owe anything."
"Well, shit. What an amazingly selfless gesture. That just makes my entire week!"
"I'll tell him you said that."
---
I've been bleeding little spots upon doing #2 in the bathroom for the last month or two, and tonight at school, you could just hear the blood dripping into the water. A quick perusal of reputable websites tells me that I probably have internal hemorrhoids.
fuck.
So here's a rundown of my body:
1) had a growth removed
2) got my first gray hair
3) I have hemorrhoids
4) I can't see shit. I need glasses.
5) my back hurts nonstop.
6) the last flu I had kicked my ass for three straight days, not the usual 1 day.
Time to face the fact that I'm not a spring chicken anymore, and that my body has just begun to show the signs of aging. Just like a new car after about 80k miles. Shit starts to fall apart
.
Andy is not a happy camper at the moment.
posted by Grover at 2/08/2007 02:05:00 AM
4 Comments:
You may actually have an anal fissure instead of the roids. I get the fissures all the fucking time and I have the same issues as you. It's so fun when you first see that red spot in the loo. Look those up too and go see a doc NOW. Also, this is another reason why I don't have anal sex.
Also, I have 23 gray hairs, my eyesight has been terrible for years, my back always hurts, AND I'm younger than you! Now feel better, whiny pants.
Now all I can think about is Jerry Stiller's line in "Zoolander":
"Derek, this pains me more than a fissure in my ass..."
hahahahaha it sucks getting old huh!
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