Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road...
Sometimes there comes a point in a person's life where one is forced to look at oneself from a completely outside perspective, throwing into question the very fabric of one's soul. Just recently I was forced to look at myself with a fresh pair of eyes, and I found I didn't like at all what I saw.
Last saturday night I got drunk. Sloppy drunk. In the process I entered a state of blackout and apparently acted comlpetely out of character and said some unbearably mean things to a very dear friend. I remember none of this, and that's what scares me. In fact, it wasn't until monday night that I was made aware of what transpired. Even worse, I had spent all day Sunday acting nonchalant and perfectly casual around the very people I lashed out against.
So I'm off the sauce 100%. This isn't some personal prohibition. There were no big ceremonial gestures of popping open the rest of my beer and dumping it down the drain. I'm not even making it off limits. There's still beer in the fridge, an arm's length away if I want it. Thing is, tonight on the way to class I stopped by a gas station for a bottle of pop, and right next to it was the beer. I looked at it and recoiled in contempt. Instead of appealing to me, it just looked like poison.
With my current state of being thrown into such sharp perspective, I realize just how much alcohol has begun to affect my life in its insidiously gradual way. No, I don't think I am an alcoholic, but I most certainly saw myself starting to walk down that path. No way. I'm turning around and walking right back to sanity before this monster can grab hold of me and cause more damage.
So I already feel like another person. A profound change has come over me, and I don't feel the same. Maybe I'm being too dramatic, as is so often the case, but I just can't help but feeling a real sense of personal metamorphosis.
Last saturday night I got drunk. Sloppy drunk. In the process I entered a state of blackout and apparently acted comlpetely out of character and said some unbearably mean things to a very dear friend. I remember none of this, and that's what scares me. In fact, it wasn't until monday night that I was made aware of what transpired. Even worse, I had spent all day Sunday acting nonchalant and perfectly casual around the very people I lashed out against.
So I'm off the sauce 100%. This isn't some personal prohibition. There were no big ceremonial gestures of popping open the rest of my beer and dumping it down the drain. I'm not even making it off limits. There's still beer in the fridge, an arm's length away if I want it. Thing is, tonight on the way to class I stopped by a gas station for a bottle of pop, and right next to it was the beer. I looked at it and recoiled in contempt. Instead of appealing to me, it just looked like poison.
With my current state of being thrown into such sharp perspective, I realize just how much alcohol has begun to affect my life in its insidiously gradual way. No, I don't think I am an alcoholic, but I most certainly saw myself starting to walk down that path. No way. I'm turning around and walking right back to sanity before this monster can grab hold of me and cause more damage.
So I already feel like another person. A profound change has come over me, and I don't feel the same. Maybe I'm being too dramatic, as is so often the case, but I just can't help but feeling a real sense of personal metamorphosis.
posted by Grover at 9/19/2007 08:58:00 PM
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