Well, hello there!  Bet you thought I'd forgotten about you, didn't you?  Well... busted. I did forget for a while, thanks to Facebook for providing me with all my post-and-comment jollies.  But I'm back, and hopefully for good, because you just can't sit down and pour your heart out on FB like you can here, and I've been building up some serious steam since March.

The aforementioned PoF girl did in fact materialize into a relationship.  This is no mystery to whomever may be reading this, because you're probably a FB friend anyway, but suffice to say it didn't last too long.  There were certain fatal incompatibilities in our romance relationship styles that prevented a functioning boyfriend/girlfriend-ship.  -ness. -hood.  Whatever, you know what I'm trying to say.

BUT!

Last August I began dating Jen.  No need to conceal the name this time.  One quarter of the female population of midwestern Ohio is named Jen... followed by Sara(h), Crystal, and Angel.  ANYHOO, I was a card-carrying member of her "friend zone", having met and become friends at the Walmart bakery.  For about a year and a half, I nurtured her and let her cry on my shoulder when toolbag after toolbag treated her like dirt.  Well, we began a fling after I'd broken up with the above mentioned PoF girl, and of all people, Dark Haired Girl sternly scolded me not to use her for just a fling like all the other guys I'd been consoling her from.  So I took her advice and asked Jen to be my girlfriend.

Jen is a desirable girl.  She's a sexy, bawdy, ballsy, take-charge-yet-vulnerable kinda girl.  And she's beautiful.  Oh my god, is she so freaking pretty!  I'll admit it.  I used to get on her FB page and stare at her photos before we dated.  This also creates the situation that many men are also after her, and let's just say her past wasn't filled with well-intended Romeos like myself.

Long story short: she still has guys texting her constantly for sex.  This doesn't bother me, I'm actually kind of smug in the fact that my woman is desired by so many men.  But one in particular gets under my skin, so I decided to send him a message on FB.  He seemed like an ok guy.  Jen said he was really intelligent, and maybe that's why I perceive him as a threat.  He's sneaky.  He can use words to infect your brain like a hacker.  But given that he's not just another Tipp-Troy-Piqua-Sidney corridor redneck, I thought maybe I could reach out to him with this message:

This is Jen's boyfriend. I'm not going to go all chest-beating alpha male on you or get bent out of shape... not my style. I want to handle this like an adult and to ask you, man to man, to not proposition my girlfriend for sex. It's cool if you want to talk to her, I keep in touch with my exes, but please do Jen the respect of keeping it on a friendly level. Thanks!

His reply: "Shut the fuck up."  Then the coward blocked any responses.  Then he sent her a text message bitching her out. Now I know, I know... I'm giving in to the dark side.  A bigger man would just brush it off because really, why waste so much energy fretting over someone who means nothing to me, and has no bearing or effect on the outcome of my life?  It's bringing worthless 90210 teenybopper drama onto myself.  Still, I just can't shake this agitation.  So I present to you my purgation.  My catharsis:

Open Letter to the Person Harassing my Girlfriend

Why is it always the shit-smelling assholes like you that walk around calling all the good people of the world 'asshole' without provocation? My request that you stop propositioning my girlfriend for sex was mature, even-tempered, diplomatic, and non confrontational. But you had to pop off your childish retort like a 9 year old playground bully. It's time for you to run along now little boy, go grab your mommy's Victoria's Secret catalogue, and fuck yourself because my girlfriend is never going to again, no matter how much it's eating you alive that you can't have her. She's with me now, and she is a vibrant, sexy, wonderful, and incredibly intelligent woman who deserves for a man like me to treat her like a queen and give her the world, not to be gawked at like an inflatable fuck doll by some immature sniveling little needle-dick like you.

She chose me over you because I am man enough to step up to the plate and offer her what you are too chickenshit to: Heart.  Soul.  Security.  Dignity.  Respect.  Affection.  See, you're too stupid an imbecile to realize that women want more than cock, and so you just can't see what a girl would want in a guy like me.  And that makes me vastly superior a human being you your slimy worthless ass.

I give you permission to call me an asshole now, because I'm fucking being one to you, and justifiably so. This time, I'm not asking... I'm TELLING YOU to leave my woman alone. Go slither to a bar and find a skank to use for some quick ass like all of your fellow garden-variety douchebags, you pathetic loser.

By the way, your cutsie little "Fight! Win! Prevail!" tagline doesn't make you sound tough. It makes you sound like a cheerleader. Go put on a skirt and get out of the way of the real men like me, you whiny little bitch.

Thank you for your time.