Confucius say...

As I type, there is a slip from a fortune cookie that is staring back at me from my computer desk. Usually fortunes are chuckled at and pitched, never to be thought of again, but this one begged further pondering. It reads:

"Some pursue happiness; you create it."

I felt a parallel with this idea. Denied the chance to seek out sources of happiness, One must construct them from within. Does it stop with happiness, though? Here is my question to you. Think it through, don't answer to yourself hastily. This is an exercise in introspection. Fill in the blank:

"Some pursue _______; I create it."

To thine own self be true. Happy meditating.

Zap!

Ok, so at Lowe's in the Outdoor Lawn & Garden department, there exists a product called "Vinyl Pool Shock". It comes packaged in a plastic bag...you know the kind that zip-locks at the top, with a depiction on the front of a young boy laughing and frolicking in the water. Problem is, you can only see his great big open-mouthed smile if you reach up and flatten the bag with your hands. Otherwise, when the bag is normally krinkled, the picture becomes distorted and it looks like the boy in the pool is screaming in pain with the words "Pool Shock" next to his flailing arms.

Words that give me the booboojeebies

I know it's popular to pick on 'metrosexuals'. They're railed against as queers, fags, fairies, pussies, etc., etc. I couldn't give a fuck less about the lifestyle. What keeps nagging at my neurons is the word itself. Metrosexual. Something just didn't seem right about this. Being a word nerd, and armed with the dictionary.com toolbar, I made the following (quite disturbing) discovery.

Ok, so we all know that 'hetero' is the prefix for 'different'. Different + want to fuck = heterosexual. Heteros have the hots for people who carry different lures in their tacklebox. Obviously. And of course 'homo' means the same. Who can forget jugs of homogenized milk with a big "HOMO" sticker on the cap, meaning that the milk and whey and crap have all been blended together? Homosexuals flock together with birds of their own feather. Duh.

Enter 'metro'. So this is one we all know and love. It's a big city, right? Well, it's true that 'metrosexual' is a portmanteau of 'metropolis' and 'heterosexual' (much like smoke + fog = smog), denoting an urban upper-class (slightly prissy) male. What worries me, though, is that while most morphemes create a new word entirely (chortle, wikipedia, etc.), this one coins a word that by the laws of grammar technically already exists, but has an entirely different meaning.

'Metro' means uterus or mother. Metrosexual. Think about it.

Blarf.

Ridiculous song lyrics #1

"Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Mo. Come on, girl, let's start the show."

Women are rendered powerless against this mature, devilishly well-crafted (nigh poetic) sexual proposition.