Andy has gone proactive. No longer content to rest on my laurels and wait for things to happen, I've gone and done it. Yep, I've joined an online dating service. Actually, it's kinda cool, it's called Plenty of Fish, and it's 100% free. yay! Anyway, I made a profile last night and used this picture as the primary:



Is it attention getting enough? It's not too much, is it? Anyway, I sent out a flurry of emails to nearby women. If you guys have the time, could you log on and search for men in the 45373 zip code, and give me an honest review of my profile.

Wish me luck.

Time's fun when you're having flies

Today I drove past the Hobart Arena on my way home from the store. I'd forgotten that today was Troy High School's graduation, which is held at the arena, and the parking lot was flooded with well over a thousand people. Class of 2006. I was class of 1996. Ten years ago this day I was 17, in a cap and gown, looking out into the boundless future.

Ten years. It's disturbing how fast an entire freakin decade can slip by right under your nose. And the life scenario's pretty similar, too: Living with my parents, typing away on a computer up in my room, working a job that pays peanuts, and desperate for a girlfriend.

BUT! But, but, but... now, as then, I'm again able to look out over the boundless expanse of the future, and finally have the power to shape and mold it as I wish, like soft clay. Only now I've a little more wisdom, a little less naivete.

Things are pretty good right now, whether I want to admit it to myself or not.

Meet Covie

I talk to him every monday night when I clean at Stillwater. He's in a pretty similar boat... divorced recently, looking to have a little fun. Problem is, he doesn't have to look for fun, it finds him (in the form of multiple phone numbers per weekend) without his even trying. By the photo I think you can understand why, he's totally what women around here go for, the fit rugged blue-collar type. I have to compete with herds of guys like that. Case in point: two weeks ago he tells me that he's at B-dub's the previous friday night. An entire table full of women approach him and ask him if he's single. They say that a friend of theirs is going through a divorce and is having a difficult time meeting decent men who've gone through the same thing, and that she's pretty much given up hope of finding a nice guy who'll understand her and want to talk about it.

I kicked a trash can over when he told me that. But that was weeks ago.

So naturally I head over to B-dub's tonight after work. God damn this insidious infection of hope. I wish I had a penicillin that could kill it. Anyway, I'm still in my lingering fantastic mood, and the place is teeming with young'uns my age-ish. All the women there are "hot chicks", which honestly isn't the type I envision picking an post-work-smelly long haired fat guy to chat with. Especially among the throngs of Covies already desperately vying for their attention. I sip my beer and enjoy a fantastic basket of chicken tenders and bbq sauce while alternating my attention between the movie on the projection screen and the NTN trivia questions, and do my little foot-tappy-butt-wiggly chair dance to the excellent juke box selections (I can't sit still to music).

At the risk of sounding "sour grapes" I realize that I finally was having a wonderful time all by me onesy, and it didn't really matter whether I talked to anybody or not. Oh, every last woman there was total eye candy, and I'd've gladly engaged in conversation had the opportunity presented itself, but as I looked around and tried to make eye contact, I just didn't feel the longing that I usually do. I was totally content on my own. I finish, pay, and walk out with a smile, and without a backward glance.

Whether this is growing up or numbing down, I don't know, but it felt positive either way. :-)

---

Barbara and Nan, I replied to your comments on the last post.

I don't know what got into me yesterday. Things aren't looking in any different a direction than they've been through all my bitching, but even today I still felt up. I mean, I was in a near dreamlike state yesterday, and today the loneliness and emptiness pangs returned to their normal stabbing routine, but even then I couldn't get down about it. I just smiled. Here's to hoping this lasts into tomorrow...

---

Anyway, in lab tonight I redid the spraying-myself-in-the-face-with-a-super-soaker photo. Here's what I ended up turning in:



I could bore you with camera nerd speak, but suffice to say I set a better white balance so the background is actually black instead of somewhat reddish, I used a flash with a quicker pop behind me to freeze the water droplets, and I lit my face much better. Side by side with last week's photo, I think the improvements are obvious:

I've had a very weird day today. I've spent all damned day in what is possibly the best mood I've been in for months. Not sure what sparked it. I spent all morning and afternoon organizing, actually washing the monstrous pile of dirty laundry I have, and changing the sheets. I made my bed, man. That's unheard of. When I get in that whole Eeyore "Why bother?" mentality, I tend to let the condition of my living space deteriorate, but today I was actually glowing with self love and esteem, and the cleaning up of my things was a clear gesture of that.

Something's changing. I'm not saying I'm picking up out of the funk I've been in. I hope I am, but I'm not counting on it. Any second now, I'm going to plunge right back down, but for the moment, this is better than any pot I've ever smoked.

Something's coming, though what it is I can't really put my finger on, but I think I tuned into it today, drifting about my house on a cloud of enlightenment. The scent of change is on the wind, and it whispers to me through the leaves... I feel loved. I feel in love. I feel hope. Hope for what, I'm not sure, but there's this overwhelming sense of optimism. I'm bursting with positive emotional energy. If the lights suddenly went out, I'd be casting a pale halo glow. I spent all day looking forward to work, and when I got there, I didn't look at the clock once. I was just so damned happy to be there.

Some as-of-yet unseen big thing is going to happen. Shortly. I can taste it.

Fresh Holga photos from a walk-about in Downtown Dayton on the Flickr page.

---

Stopped by L&V tonight in celebration of having totally ACED my Lighting midterm. Metro Boy was walking out just as I was walking in. I hold no grudge, and in fact had hoped he was staying, but we shook hands and said bye. Hippie Girl was upstairs with Ruben and Jen, and I went up to say hi.

You know, I fail to mention all the good times I'm having as well. Last night we all got invited to hang out at this guy's apartment whom I went to school with. I don't think I've ever really known his real name, he always went (and still does to this day) by "Frog". He's got, as Garth from Wayne's World put it, a fully-functioning babe lair. He lives in this cool-as-fuck studio apartment in the third floor of a renovated brick warehouse. (god, what I could do with that space) We all sat around laughing and BSing, and since I wasn't going anywhere, took him up on his offer to drink all the beer I wanted. After everybody else crashed around 5 and I turned off all the lights, I stood in one of his windows for a long while sipping on a Guiness and listening to the Zero 7 CD still playing softly. I admired the view of Troy's old grain elevator tower lit by a single pale street light. Mulberry street stood still and empty in the darkness, and the illuminated courthouse dome was visible in the distance.

It was beautiful. I wish I could've shared the moment with you.

Ok, so there's one bit of competition I didn't account for in that last post: Metro Boy. He's this perfectly built, handsome, and very very likeable (read: another goddamned Nick in my life) metrosexual bi guy who, through the expert application of alcohol, uber-witty banter, and refusal to take no for an answer, could charm the panties off a nun.

Yeah, Andy's a little sore over that one, even though I really don't have a right to be. But damn if it didn't hurt a little to watch them walk out the door together last night.

date n., An engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.

So I guess technically I went out on a date tonight. Since the operative word in the definition is 'often' instead of 'entirely', my having taken Hippie Girl to the theater would qualify. Ok, so there was romantic interest on my part, but I took great pains to conceal it as much as possible as I asked her simply as a friend. If anything, I think she was relieved not to have me slobbering all over her like so many other guys have been doing so lately... but that's not my laundry to air. So we meet up in the Waffle House parking lot and head out in my car down to Victoria Theatre in Dayton, chatting the whole way.

The play was so-so, and I really wanted to initiate her into the cult of Chipotle afterward, but they closed by the time the play let out. We're cruising back up I-75 when White Castle somehow makes its way into the conversation, and I immediately beeline over to the Huber Heights location. A trayful of those weird square cheesy bites of heaven later, and we're back on the road to Troy. She suggests getting a drink somewhere, which I'd of course much rather do than drop her off for the night, but Troy being in the Bible Belt, every bar is closed tonight, as are most alcohol-serving restaurants by 11pm. BW3's closes at 12, so we pop by for a tall glass of Bud Light and continued conversation. I drop her off at her car and we part with a firm handshake, but not before I ask if she wants to go out with me again sometime. She says yes, she had a good time tonight.

I'm not going to read anything more into that than strictly what she said. We talked at great length about relationships, and she's 100% enjoying her singleness right now, so I'm not going to put any pressure whatsoever in that direction. But I can't help but build a little bit of hope for the future, as it seems all the other guys whom I previously considered "competition" are actually pissing her off by coming on way too strong in their various ways.

Men often give advice to me of "strategy", "plans", and "tactics" when it comes to dealing with women, which always rubs me the wrong way. (what are we, tank commanders?) This is the first time that I feel the best "strategy" is no strategy at all... simply drop any fronts and be purely Andy, patient and caring.

Wish me luck.

Ok, so I just got a piece of work-at-home spam. It was the typical "Make $5000 a week!" crap, up until the very last paragraph:

Anti-scripturism furnace mounter spot-barred
beating orders illuminating oil cloth-winding
bishop stool self-mastered Mid-lent sunday
terra porcellanea tracing thread gas grenade
stay girder flue stopper rack comb
equation price receipt book bagworm moths
lily flower club law double-thong
y-clept shaggy-fleeced radiation pyrometer

WHAT THE FUCK??

You know what? As I sit here savoring the bitter aftertaste of rejection once again, I find myself strangely at peace. This time last week I was in the midst of a total emotional meltdown over the very same thing, but now I find it oddly comforting, emboldening even. Over he last week, I have been thinking very hard on the topic, and the advice given to me to not act like women are doing me a favor by being nice. In mulling that over, I think I've finally reached a point where I've abandoned all hope and faith that I previously placed in femininity, and now it just doesn't matter. With that in mind, I can now approach an entire table full of women (as I did tonight, yay me), say "Hi, I'm Andy.", and after a few minutes when no active interest is expressed and no vibe is felt, just politely tell them how nice it was to make their acquaintances, shake a few hands, and walk the fuck away. Dignity 100% intact. I can't help but feel that this is a huge step forward. I'm really proud of myself.

Hi all. Crazy crazy crazy. It's so nice to actually have a social life. But the exhaustion of staying out so late so much is taking its toll, and now I'm suffering from a massive head cold that has left my skin feeling like it's on fire, every joint in my body aches, and it feels like somebody poured Quickrete down my nose as I slept last night.

IF you have emaild my gmail accound, rest assured I've read it and am generating the oomph to reply. Right now, I'm typing this and succumbing to my green death flavored NyQuil.

Aside from that, I'm still looking forward to taking Hippie Girl to the theatre sunday. I'm not sure if "Hippie" is the best word, but I can't think of anything else more appropriate. She's not all peace, love, and flowers, but rather quite the outspoken ballsy type who's more likely to belch unapologetically. Her dreds have earned her the nickname Barbie Marley at L&V. I have to say, I only kinda liked her as an acquaintance before, and found her mildly attractive. Last wednesday night though, we had the best conversation, and I must admit to having slipped into a very decent crush on her. But this time I'm not investing any hope or effort into it. I've learned my lesson. No more schoolboyishness... just pure chill-out around her.

At the same time, I just want to grab Elizabeth, kiss her, and tell her everything is going to be all right. If only it were my place to do so.

Anyway, here's a few good photos from lately:


Bouncing the light off a reflector rather than direct flash.


The other morning, I was startled by the sound of rain on the roof despite the bright sunshine. I went outside, and the huge tree in our yard was casting off thousands of those little spinning helicopter seeds.


My latest project, Stopping Motion with flash. Everybody else does something where they either drop something into liquid that splats or on the floor where the object splats, but I decided to think outside the box and spray myself in the face with a super soaker and stop the droplets reflected off my cheek.

Ok, so this is my weather report, straight from the horse's mouth, the National Weather Service:

A chance of showers before noon, then a chance of showers and thunderstorms between noon and 1pm, then showers likely and possibly a thunderstorm between 1pm and 4pm, then a chance of showers and thunderstorms after 4pm.

Wow. Just tell me it's gonna rain today.

Developed the latest roll of film from the Holga today. Here's the highlights, completely unaltered (aside from the resizing) from what came off the negative scanner:


Contrasty underexposure at my favorite test subject, the Patterson Memorial. I'm sure by now you guys are getting sick of pictures of this thing.



Cool unintentional double exposure.



A breeze had kicked up and that tree was showering the whole yard with those little spinning "helicopter" seeds. You can just see them in the picture, but it was like standing in a rain shower of them. Quite awesome.



Rodney, my lighting instructor. I took this the same night and with the same unmoved main soft box light from the orange/cabbage/lime photo.



Good ol' Troy. Right outside the Masonic Temple.



Patterson Memorial again. For each image you see, I took about four frames of different exposures to test which is best. With 200 speed Ilford film, it takes about two clicks of the shutter on a cloudy day.


Kizzy lounging on my laundry basket.

---

I was given two free tickets to see a play at the Victoria Theatre in Dayton this Sunday night. I asked APG (Art Photography Girl from several weeks back), but she has to work sunday night. So tonight I'm out and about, and there's a friend of Ruben's who comes down to Troy infrequently. I'll call her Hippie Girl. I haven't mentioned her before, but I've had the chance to hang out with her several times now. Anyway, I was mentioning the tickets to them, and asked her to go, to which she agreed. No, this isn't a date, just friends. Still looking forward to it though...

---

Finally at long last got to hang out with Dark Haired Girl again tonight. She fed me a hamburger and tortilla chips with this fantastic Mexican dip she makes. We watched Gray's Anatomy, and even though I had never seen it before, I got all teary-eyed when the heart dude died. Very well written show, I must say. Sucked me right in. It felt great to be in her living room again chitchatting.

If ever there were a time to claim getting a spiritual bitch-slap from a higher power, it's today. I set my radio alarm clock to the 80's station because I hate it so much I can't lay there and listen. I have to get up and turn it off. This morning, I am awoken by the voice of Rod Stewart:

Some guys have all the luck
Some guys have all the pain
Some guys get all the breaks
Some guys do nothing but complain

Point well taken: Grow up. Stop whining. Don't be that last guy.

---

Naturally now, that freakin song has been echoing in my head ALL. DAMNED. DAY.

Umm... yeah. I'm tempted to delete that last one, but that's just not being honest now, is it? The root of it all was the frustration over how damned long since I've seen Dark Haired Girl. We were supposed to hang out yesterday (which I was enthusiastically looking forward to), but our plans to do so always seem to fall through.

Well, that, and I had spent the previous evening crashed at a friend's house lying alone listening to people fuck in the next room. All I wanted was somebody to curl up with and hold. What I need now more than anything is simple human contact, not sex. Sex barely interests me now... haven't even looked up porn in over a week.

I know, I know... give it time. A good night's sleep, if you can call five hours 'good', and I've chilled out. Time to go make the burritos now. Oh, and Happy mother's day y'all! Crap, that reminds me, I need to buy mine a card. Big family get together tonight after I get off work.

I give up. I said it before, but this timeI mean it. I give up. Tinight, I was at the B and was said hello to by a few girls i used to work with at HOnda. I had always had a crush on this one girl named JC, and I noticed that since I last saw her in '03, her ring finger had gone bare, much like my onw. Long story short, she and another girl that used to work there are still good friends (much like Angela and I), and toward the end of the night as the other girl and her boyfriend began to canoodle at the bar table, JC asked the boyfriend to dance. He said no. She asekd the girl to dance. She was too busy with teh boyfriend. She looked me square in the eye, and then turned around and went out to dance by herself.

---

So the other night I'm at L&V and Ruben puts on Zero 7's CD. I tell Ruben that I've always had this one particular fantasy: to dance with the right woman to Zero 7's "Somersault", the most romantic somg ever recorded. He thinks this is a good idea and then proceeds to start dancing with another person I'm crushing on to it. She has lent mer her camera phone. I take pictureso f them. Dancing to my song. Dammit. she emails me the picures that I took because she things I'm a good photographer, even with her camera phone. Them dancing to my song. I thank her for the photos. Here's one from inside leav and v that I took with ehr phone:



She said that I'll meet somebody when I stop looking, and I told ehr that I only stop thinking about it when I'm taking pictures, so she gave me her phone to take pictures with. Her and Ruben dancing to my song, and other bar still lives. God, you gotta love the drunk postings,

So tonight in lighting class we had to "Build a Lighting Scheme". In other words, take a coolio picture of stuff. I love lighting lab. This quarter I basically live for thursday nights. Here's the final fruits (and cabbage) of my labor:



I rock so hard it hurts.

---

Oh, and remember Singleness Lamenting Girl from last quarter whom I had (and still have) one helluva crush on, who fawned all over Nick that one time and sent me into the stark chasm from which Dark Haired Girl rescued me from later that same night? Well... she (SL Girl) came into our lab tonight, and as she passed my camera with image still showing on LCD, she gave me a flat "Oh. That's nice." She then proceeded over to Nick and started (again) fawning all over his setup, his photos (which he asked for and followed advice from me on how to frame and light, thank you very much), and was soon in a rapt conversation with him about the origins of the universe. Seriously. I'd want to strangle Nick if he weren't so damned personable and likeable. For some reason, the women I'm attracted to (SL Girl is only one of several identical predicaments) want nothing to do with me, and cling to him like static electricity. I'm so envious of him I could vomit.

All over his perfect little projects.

Anyway, went to the Trolley Stop after lab and had my fill of cheap-ass beer and hippie music in celebration of my kick-ass photo, and then decided to finally check out this Masque place I hear so much about. I have no idea where it is, and compounded by the fact I'm already buzzing rather hard, miraculously I park right next to it. I go into the unassuming solid door marked only with a painted stencil of a Carnivale mask...

The upper floor is the house/dance/electronica floor, and I make a beeline for it. I have tasted heaven, and it's in a seizure-inducingly lit room in downtown Dayton, Ohio. Danced like a total jackass until I was ready to drop. Good stuff. Very good stuff indeed. Masque indeed did originate as a gay club, and still draws quite the flambouyant crowd, but dancing among them was nothing short of totally liberating.

That, and I did call the shirtless bartender a chiseled marble statue. Oh, you guys need to see me when I'm drunk. I'm a riot. :-)

Bought myself a new toy through the bookstore at school. A few days ago, I saw an article on a lady who shoots these surreal and haunting images on a plastic camera called a Holga. The next day, I noticed they sold them at school for about $20. No shit, these things are 100% plastic, even the lens. It takes such crappy shots that they go full-circle and are cool looking again. That, and it takes medium format film, not the usual 35mm we all know and love. Medium format produces square negatives that are 6cm x 6cm. Anyway, I managed to fuck up (but in a cool way) my first roll, but here are a few highlights from it and my second roll:


Oogie Boogie symbols on the Masonic Temple here in Troy (directly across the street from L&V)
---


Unintentional (but cool nonetheless) double exposure of the doorway to the temple.
---


Light fixture at the doorway to the Masonic Temple. Anybody who's read The DaVinci Code will recognize the symbols immediately. Spooky.
---


This is off the first roll. Looks creepy, but I was sitting reading the camera instructions over lunch at Fazolis.

Quick post here. If you've sent me email recently, yes, I got it and read it. I'll take time later to reply. I just had to post these photos taken with a camera phone at L&V. You know how everybody (you included, you know it) has those group photos with big laughing smiles and people smooshed together in a nightlife setting? Well, I finally have one or two with the people who are fast becoming very good friends:



This is Ruben, Jen, and me.
---



Jen and me.
---



And, of course, just me. Isn't this a cute picture? I like to imagine Jen (whose phone these were taken on) sitting at home sighing wistfully as she gazes at my photo...

of course if that were the case, she wouldn't always be in Ruben's lap, but c'est la vie. It's a nice reverie nonetheless. :-)

Livin' the Lava Lamp Lifestyle

No, I didn't fall into the toilet or anything. I miss you guys too. I've scads of new photos (including all my new infrared stuff)posted on my Flickr page, if your curiosity is so inclined.

Since losing my own internet access and having to piggyback off of mom's, I can't get on during the day since she uses the account at work. Most nights a week I'm at either school or work, and frankly I've managed to scratch out a rudimentary social life which usually takes me to L&V on the way home.

I've gained acceptance into the "clique" there of core regulars, and not to bore you with undue detail, I've had several fantastic nights there recently, living experiences that I always dreamt about. Not much, really, just hanging out with people and for once... for blessed blessed once, not feeling like an outsider, extra wheel, or tag-along. I've finally found what may turn out to be my field of dancing bee people.

Speaking of, around 2 this afternoon I hit the road today out of sheer boredom and ended up in Tipp City. I'd heard they had this big city-wide garage sale day, and I thought I'd scour the driveways and card tables for steals on photographic equipment. I passed a yard where a lady set up a table and was selling handmade jewelry. She turned out to be somebody I knew but hadn't seen in a very long time. She was Caroline's ex-best friend's sister, and we had gotten to know her and her husband in that time. We get to talking and catching up on each others' lives, and her husband invites me to stay for dinner. They are just the coolest people around, and they even like dance/techno music. He even knew who Purple Motion was. How cool is that??

I end up staying and chatting with them till 11pm, standing next to the fire he had going (it's pretty fucking chilly here in Ohio tonight), and drinking beer. She works for a local independant newspaper and they need somebody to take a few photos. I may have my next gig. Non paying, but full of credit. Anyway, it was so unbelievably cool to have re-hooked back up with them, and we clicked so well they invited me to a big cookout they're having tomorrow.

I never did find any photography equipment. I did buy a cool lava lamp for a couple of bucks though. Always wanted one. Yay!

Anyway... with everything going on in my life, and even though I piss and moan about not having any dates, I can't help but feel like things are going like a game of chess. First, you position your pieces, then secondly you make your attack. Thirdly, you chase down and corner the opponent's king. Well, I think that I've spent the last six months of my life positioning my pieces from square one, and I'm damn near finished with my preparations and laying down foundations, and am nearly ready to make my big pounce on the world. It's kind of exciting.